


Hacker Games

by Aequoria, rikkafish



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Assassinstuck, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2013-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-13 17:15:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aequoria/pseuds/Aequoria, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikkafish/pseuds/rikkafish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eridan Ampora is an almost-ruthless trained killer, and he has been given a new target- genius computer hacker Sollux Captor.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Sollux is having the time of his life trolling the hell out of someone who wants him dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Eridan could already tell this was not going to be a good day when he walked into the bank and a woman rushed up to him with a cup of coffee.

"Good morning, Mr. Miller," she said cheerfully. "I've got your coffee, just how you like it! Two sugars, a splash of cream, and hot enough to melt steel."

Eridan couldn't help his look of vague annoyance as he refused the cup. The woman, named Hilary Jones, was eager to impress him. He wasn't sure why. She offered him a cup of coffee at least twice a week. He never accepted, and still she continued. He didn't accept for a number of reasons, the number one being that he didn't actually like his coffee like that. Black with one sugar was good enough for him, cream just ruined it, and too much sugar made it too sweet.

Another reason was that he was cautious about accepting food or drink from strangers. You never knew who wanted you dead, after all.

"Thank you, Ms. Jones," he said tightly. "But I'm going to pass."

There was still no reason to be rude to her. She tried so hard. It was kind of irritating.

Sometimes he hoped someone would put out a hit on her. He'd gladly accept it.

"Well, if you're sure," she said, still cheerful. 

Eridan continued past her towards the elevator without a word, and she hurried after him, trying not to spill the coffee.

"Maybe we could go out for coffee sometime," she said, a wide, hopeful grin on her face.

Eridan raised an eyebrow and closed the elevator doors without replying. He caught a glimpse of her disappointed expression moments before they shut, effectively ending the unwanted conversation.

With a roll of his eyes, he input the code to go downstairs. It wasn't his fault he was so damn attractive, why did that woman have to hang all over him like that? They didn't even work on the same floor.

He exited the elevator on basement level 2, and was greeted again by a cheerful woman. At least this one didn't have coffee- and also wasn't that insufferable.

"Good morning, Ampora," Terezi said, baring all her teeth in a sinister grin.

"Pyrope," he greeted with a wry smile of his own. "You're so fuckin' sweet to be waiting for me right here."

"You're late," she said as they started to walk. They passed security easily with a fingerprint test and an eye scan, and finally a swipe of a fake credit card meant to be used as ID. "Feferi's not happy."

"Fef can suck it up," Eridan replied. "I had things to do, and it's not like there's anything important for me to do around here anyway."

"You're right, the last few days have been kind of dull," Terezi admitted, arms crossed. "But today we got an important client, and you were supposed to be here to meet with him."

"Fuckin' hell, 'Rez," Eridan groaned. "You know I don't meet with clients personally, Fef knows I don't, everyone in the whole damn building knows that."

"Yeah, but they aren't usually this important," Terezi pointed out.

Once they passed security and walked down a long, dull hallway, Eridan pressed on a part of the blank wall. It opened up, and a keypad slid out. Entering his code again, he hit the green accept button and a larger section of the wall opened, revealing the internal operations of ISIS.

"Fuck, who is this guy?" Eridan asked.

"You know that one company? It's not that well known, so you might not be familiar with it, but it's called something like... Hmm. Caliborn Enterprises?" Terezi said, feigning confusion.

Shit. Caliborn Enterprises was a huge corporation that controlled most of the major companies in the country. The owner of the company was famous, but known only as Lord English. His personal details were well-guarded, and people rarely saw his face. The fact that he wanted to meet with Eridan in person was a huge deal.

He groaned at the idea. He wasn't nervous about meeting bigwigs, far from it. He'd met several over the course of the years he'd been doing this job, and he found them more annoying than anything. He just hated meeting with clients, especially ones who thought they were entitled to everything because they had money. ISIS was not in any danger of going under, with or without Lord English's probably substantial contribution.

"If Feferi sees you rolling your eyes about Lord English, she's going to be pissed," Terezi pointed out.

"I thought she was already pissed," Eridan griped.

"Eridan Ampora!"

"See?" Eridan said pointedly to Terezi. Terezi snorted and shoved him towards their boss.

"You were supposed to be here two hours ago!" Feferi practically shouted, obviously irritated with him. "What is so damn important that you can't come to work on time when I clearly stated yesterday that we had a very, very important meeting this morning?"

"You know, stuff," Eridan said with a shrug. He grinned at Feferi. "You know how it is. Good to see you out of your office, Fef. I missed you stompin' around here yellin' at everyone."

Feferi's lips almost twitched into a smile, then she shook her head and crossed her arms. "I'm supposed to be irritated at you right now, quit being cute," she said.

"Can't help it if that's just my natural state a bein'," Eridan said, following Feferi to his desk. It was weird, an assassin having his own desk. He didn't think that would be a thing he had, coming into this career. He was rarely at it, so it was pretty plain, but he found the computer pretty useful at least.

"Look," Feferi said, her tone gentler now. "Lord English hand selected you for this. He wasn't impressed when you weren't there, and you know how important a good impression is!"

"Honestly, Fef, you know me," Eridan said, shaking his head. "You probably made a better first impression without me there than with me there. You know how I get with those real self-important people."

Feferi looked amused. "Like you aren't one of them," she said.

"Hey, takes one to know one," he returned, falling back into his computer chair. "Get 'Rez to send me the files on the hit, and I'll get to work, 'k?"

"I guess that's the best I could ask for," Feferi said, then flicked him on the side of the head before turning and heading off.

Eridan managed to not interact with anyone for a whole 24 seconds before a Pesterchum window popped up. He groaned.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

AA: i rec0mmended y0u f0r that j0b  
CA: gee thanks  
CA: im so fuckin honored i could puke  
AA: it l00ks bad 0n the c0mpany when i tell s0me0ne that y0u are the best we have and y0u fail t0 sh0w up at the meeting  
CA: look wwhat i do for clients is my job  
CA: i take a hit an i kill em  
CA: im not here to act friendly with rich snobs  
AA: when s0me0ne as imp0rtant as l0rd english c0mes ar0und y0ur duties change  
AA: he was n0t happy that y0u were n0t here  
CA: yeah wwell he can fuck right off for all i care  
AA: thats n0t really a healthy attitude  
CA: first a all wwhat the hell do you knoww about healthy attitudes  
CA: second a all im a fucking assassin do you really think i care about that shit  
AA: it w0uld pr0bably d0 y0u s0me g00d  
CA: oops rez is here to delivver some files  
CA: bye hater  
AA: i can see y0ur desk and i kn0w shes n0t 0ver there

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

AA: g0ddammit

Wow, was that loser annoying or what? Eridan signed out of Pesterchum before anyone else could bother him, and he had another 17 seconds of peace and quiet before someone dropped a manila folder onto his lap.

"Fuckin' hell, 'Rez, warn a guy before you throw shit at him," Eridan grumbled. Terezi didn't respond to that.

"You're gonna be pissed about this," Terezi said, shaking her head. "We don't have much on the guy the contract is for. Just what he did to Caliborn Enterprises, and what his code name is."

Eridan flipped the folder open. Terezi was not kidding. The guy's profile was practically blank, save for the bit under 'Aliases' and 'Known Skills'.

"The Mage?" Eridan asked, raising an eyebrow. "What, does this guy think he's magical or something?"

"They say he's magical with computers," Terezi said. "Some of the best people in the country, and some from other countries, put together the security system for Caliborn. He would poke at it for fun, until he got bored and drained more than half the money from the company bank account."

"Shit. And there's nothing on him?" Eridan asked. Beyond the profile sheet, there was a list of known activities. Scanning through it, it seemed to be entirely online, internet crimes ranging from pirating music to draining money from banks for fun, apparently. 

"Nothing more than what's in that folder," Terezi said, pointing at it. "He's untraceable. Our best guys have tried, and it always leads back to the same spot; an old computer at Wal-Mart."

"Who's to say he doesn't work at Wal-Mart?" Eridan asked. "It's a damn good cover for a fuckin' computer genius."

"Except we've looked into that, too," Terezi said. "As discreetly as possible, of course, but we're turning up nothing. The longer we look, the less likely it is that he's even set foot in that store."

Ugh. Eridan rubbed his nose beneath the bridge of his glasses. He knew what his job was, and it was his least favorite part. At least he was good at it. "So I have to find this guy before I can take him out," he said, irritated.

"Yup," Terezi said, her grin broad. "Have fun with that, Mr. Ampora." She waved a hand over her shoulder as she sauntered off, clearly amused at the work Eridan was going to have to do.

He had known, as soon as he set foot through that revolving door at the front of the building, that today was not going to be a good day. He should have turned around and gone home.

It was normal for him to have to do some amount of research before he acted on a contract, but this extent was rare, and it was unusual for them to accept a contract with such little information. Lord English must have ponied up a lot more dough that Eridan originally thought. Normally his research consisted of studying what information had been given to him by their network of spies, things like photographs, schedules, physical descriptions, talents and skills, aliases, allergies, known illnesses... Anything that could be useful in an assassination attempt.

One alias and a description of his skills was not the most useful bunch of information he'd gotten. Aliases were useful, because you could usually trace them back to someone who knew who they were, and if he played his cards right, he could get them to trust him enough to spill the information on a real name or if he was lucky, a location.

He started on forums dedicated to hacking. He made an account (countAwesome) and scanned a few of the latest threads for any sign of someone called 'The Mage'. An hour later, nothing had come up. He tried not to get too discouraged, they had very little to work with.

He was annoyed, though, and in a moment of stupidity (though he wouldn't realize it until later), he made a post on the forum in a new thread.

anyone around here evver heard of the mage   
im lookin to hire him for a project

There. That should get him something, at least, even if it was that no one on here had heard of him. Several minutes passed, and the thread view count went up, but no one responded. After fifteen minutes of forum silence, he added another reply.

come on one a you fuckers must knoww wwho he is   
dont leavve a guy hangin

There was another few minutes of silence, and then suddenly a Pesterchum window opened.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

"What the hell?" Eridan muttered, not sure what to think. He was sure he'd signed out. He waited for this unrecognized handle to message him first. He didn't have to wait long.

TA: wow you mu2t be new.  
TA: thii2 2hiit ii2 2o amateur iit make2 me want two cry.  
CA: wwhat the hell  
CA: wwho are you  
TA: 2omeone obviiou2ly 2uperiior.  
TA: ii 2hould be a2kiing who you are.  
CA: the fuck  
CA: you messaged me first asshole  
CA: im pretty sure that means you dont get to ask that question  
CA: i wwas signed out of pesterchum so you obvviously turned it back on  
CA: wwhat are you doin  
CA: hackin my computer  
CA: you aint gonna get vvery far  
TA: you thiink you can be a newbiie on a hackiing forum wiithout gettiing hacked?  
TA: that ii2 actually preciiou2.  
TA: and al2o iincrediibly dumb what are you even doiing here?  
CA: lookin for the mage obvviously  
CA: thats wwhy i posted that question  
CA: you knoww wwho he is  
CA: cause helpin me out wwould be a lot less fuckin annoying that wwhatevver it is youre doin noww  
TA: and why would you thiink the mage would help 2omeone liike you?  
TA: 2ome pre2umptuou2 amateur douchebag?  
CA: i got money thats wwhy  
CA: anyone wwill do anything for enough money  
TA: let me tell you thii2 kiid before you hurt your2elf.  
TA: ii know the mage and he’2 not the kiind of guy who would appreciiate beiing called a hacker for hiire he’2 two good for that 2hiit.  
TA: 2o take your money and go buy hiim a bag of cheeto2 or 2omethiing he miight be more wiilliing two talk.  
CA: howw the hell am i supposed to buy cheetos for someone wwhen i dont evven knoww wwhere they are or wwho they are  
CA: you gotta givve me something to wwork wwith here  
CA: if buying the guy a bag a cheetos wwill get him to help me then fuck it ill buy the guy a bag a cheetos  
TA: and you better keep them comiing.  
TA: plea2ure doiing bu2ine22 wiith you amateur douchebag.  
CA: wwhat that is the most useless bit a information ivve evver gotten

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

CA: are you fuckin kiddin me

Eridan glared at his screen in intense annoyance as Pesterchum closed itself after that, and nothing else happened. When he looked back at the forum, his posts had been deleted and his account was inaccessible. Probably that asshole's doing.

"Fuck," he hissed, kicking the leg of his desk. He'd been at this long enough. He was already tired of this shit. He stood up , closing the file and tossing it in a drawer.

"Whoa, where are you going?" Terezi asked as he passed her.

"I'm goin' home and I'll be back tomorrow," Eridan snapped.

"Feferi's still going to be mad," she called after him.

"She can suck it!" Eridan called back. He loved Feferi like a sister, but only outside of work. Honestly. She was the most annoying boss.

Hilary was still at the reception desk when Eridan stormed past her, and he could tell she was opening her mouth to say something. If she actually managed to get it out, Eridan didn't hear her. He was going to go home, get his favorite handgun (one he never used on the job, as it was for his personal use only), and go to the shooting range. He was going to waste bullets until he felt better.

Unfortunately, by the time he got home, he was already calmer. On top of that, his neighbor was hanging out in his front yard.

Karkat Vantas was a little older than Eridan was, and definitely rough around the edges. He claimed he used to be worse; Eridan wasn't sure that was possible.

"Oh, Ampora," Karkat said as Eridan got out of the car. "John's trying out a new recipe. He said you should come over."

It was always John, Karkat's husband, inviting Eridan over for dinner or movie nights, never Karkat. He might deliver the message, but it was always from John. Eridan was pretty sure he was doing it for Karkat's benefit, because once Eridan was actually in the house, he was a lot friendlier.

"Is it goin' to be as big a disaster as it was last time?" Eridan asked, faintly amused. 

"Fuck, I hope not," Karkat said, scoffing. "He nearly burned the house down with that stupid eggplant lasagna."

"I don't even like eggplant," Eridan grumbled.

"Neither does he," Karkat said with a snort. "I have no idea why the hell he thought that was going to be a good thing to make, when none of us would actually want to eat it."

Eridan took a deep breath. He felt less like shooting a hole through someone's head, and if he went over to the Vantas-Egbert household, he and Karkat would gossip over coffee and ice cream, then he'd feel even better. Maybe he could even do some more research on the Mage and this TA guy. See what connection they had.

"Okay, let me take a shower and I'll be over," Eridan said with a shrug. "Give me ten minutes."

"If you're a second late, I'm going to sic Liv on you," Karkat said.

"I am terrified of bunnies," Eridan said with a nod. Liv Tyler was John's pet rabbit, and she was spoiled half to death. She had free roam of the house if anyone was home and got treats any time John deemed her to be acting cute enough, which was pretty much what her entire existence consisted of.

"Your time's running out, Ampora, better hurry," Karkat said.

Eridan turned to hurry into his house.

It turned out that the experimental recipe John had was just meatloaf, and it turned out to be pretty good. John was usually an excellent chef, so Eridan wasn't surprised. After dinner, Karkat and Eridan sat in the living room with coffee and ice cream, just as he'd predicted. They gossiped (though Karkat would deny it being gossip at all, claiming it was simply discussion of their peers) and watched one of Karkat's movies, and by the end of it, Eridan didn't even care about the Mage anymore. At least not on a level that would cause him to go to bed in a foul mood.

"Come back tomorrow," Karkat said as he saw Eridan to the door. "We're going to have leftovers for fucking days, and it's your job to help us get rid of them."

"Wow, what a threat," Eridan said with a laugh.

“You’d better!” called John from the kitchen where he was arranging their plates in the dishwasher.

"Yeah, I'll be back so I can choke down more a that shit you call meatloaf," Eridan called back.

John laughed. “Insult my cooking any more and I’ll feed you to Liv.”

"I think you guys overestimate that rabbit."

"I think you underestimate her," Karkat said. "Get out of my house."

"Gladly," Eridan said, nose in the air. "I'm sick a you fuckers anyway."

Karkat shooed him out, and just before the door closed, Eridan heard John said something along the lines of, "Ooh la la, Mr. Vantas, we're alone now." Eridan rolled his eyes, amused as he walked back the 15 feet to his house. 

Tonight, he could be a normal guy in a good mood, who hung out with his neighbors and laughed at stupid romantic comedies. Sometimes he thought he actually would want that life, more permanently.

He shook his head. That was stupid. He was a fucked up guy, and it's not like he had anyone to settle down with anyway.

Tomorrow, he'd go back into work and everything would return to normal. His normal. That was how he liked it.

When he heard his phone going off, he scoffed. Maybe he was getting pulled back into his real world sooner than the next morning. He grabbed his phone, praying it wasn't Feferi or Terezi (not that anyone else texted him), but the text he'd received was from a blocked number. Frowning, he checked it anyway.

His frown deepened when he actually saw it.

01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101001 00110010 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110100 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00001101 00001010 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00110010 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101001 00110010 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100101 01100101 01110100 01101111 00110010 00101110

"Fucking hackers," Eridan cursed quietly.


	2. Chapter 2

The room was stiflingly hot and bathed in the sickly pale glow of computer screens, silent except for the soft whirring of machinery and the fan set up to cool the processing units. It was, in Sollux’s opinion, not very far from heaven.

He minimised the window where he had been playing Robot Unicorn Attack- it was getting far too addictive and interfering with his life- and checked the Caliborn Enterprises corporate website. The obnoxiously large banner apologising for the disruption in their services was still up- obviously they hadn’t fixed it yet. It had just been a small thing, an instant redirect to a video of Rick Astley whenever someone hit the ‘Contact Us’ button, but apparently the company wasn’t taking his joke very well.

It also might have had something to do with the fact that every time they tried to fix the link, he was just waiting to set it up again. There were very few things more fun than trolling a huge conglomerate.

Stealing millions of dollars from under their noses while they were busy trying to get away from Rick Astley, though... That was _definitely_ more fun.

Sollux smiled smugly and stretched in his chair, leaning back and sighing. Lord English had to have noticed the shares bought under his name by now- and realized he was now the proud owner of 61% of a huge company that was, as of last night, completely broke. He made a mental note to thank Strider for helping him figure out how the fuck the stock market worked. Strider would never know how useful he’d been when he’d pointed out to Sollux which companies were most likely to crash and burn.

Maybe at some point he’d figure out how to feed that huge amount into his various bank accounts without being obvious. The trickle of cash he took from Caliborn on a regular basis was starting to get boring.

Speaking of boring... Sollux looked around for something to do. His tumblr dashboard was dead and though the idea of making another wish on Robot Unicorn Attack was appealing, he didn’t want to end up dreaming about stars and rainbows when he eventually passed out near daybreak. His eyes landed on the dormant Pesterchum program on his taskbar, and he remembered that one douchey asshole from the hacking forum. He grinned.

Brilliant.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TA: 2o diid you get the cheeto2?  
CA: yes i got your fuckin cheetos noww wwhat am i supposed to do wwith them  
TA: holy 2hiit you actually got them?  
TA: how the fuck can you be 2o dumb how do you even 2urviive liife?  
TA: je2u2 chrii2t.  
TA: ii am laughiing 2o fuckiing hard riight now.  
CA: wwoww you asshole you fuckin told me to get them  
CA: so i did  
CA: noww youre laughin at me  
CA: i figured evven if the mage dont fuckin wwant em that i could eat em  
CA: so tell me wwhat to do wwith them so wwe can get this ovver wwith  
TA: nope you’re not goiing two eat them now that they’re here.  
TA: that would be an iin2ult two the mage.  
TA: appropriiatiing thiing2 that riightfully belong two hiim and 2hiit.  
TA: but before he graciiou2ly accept2 thii2 offeriing what the hell do you want hiim two do anyway?  
CA: i told you already i got a project for him  
CA: its classified shit so dont be tryin to get information out a me  
CA: i aint talkin  
CA: if he wwants payment in cheetos wwho am i to fuckin argue  
CA: ill givve him all the cheetos he damn wwell wwants  
CA: but i gotta meet him first you knoww  
TA: that’2 not gonna be ea2y kiid.  
TA: you thiink the mage 2pent all hii2 tiime all facele22 behiind a 2creen ju2t two meet up wiith 2ome lo2er who bought hiim cheeto2?  
TA: good luck wiith that.  
TA: ii don’t thiink he ever 2how2 hii2 face two anyone.  
CA: wwell maybe ill be the first you evver think a that  
CA: i got a lot of sensitivve information i cant havve wwandering around on the internet  
TA: wow okay ii know what thii2 ii2 now.  
CA: wwhat is that supposed to mean  
TA: you have 2ome pretty iintere2tiing ta2te2 but you’re not goiing two get at mage ii can tell you that.  
TA: he ii2n’t one for fiifty year old iinternet creeper2.  
TA: and before you deny iit look there ii2 liiterally no eviidence to the contrary.  
TA: you po2t on a forum 2peciifiically lookiing for the mage and you go and buy hiim cheeto2 when a random guy tell2 you two.  
TA: and now you want two meet hiim in 2ecret becau2e you thiink you’re entiitled to iit after beiing a dumba22 and tryiing two 2weeten hiim up.  
TA: ii 2ee what your game ii2.  
TA: you dii2gu2t me.  
CA: wwhat the fuck thats not evven close to the truth  
CA: wway to jump to conclusions assfuck  
CA: i told you i got a project for him and if he dont want it then fuck it  
CA: wwhy wwould i wwant to fuck some dickwwad on the internet anywway wwhen he nevver showws his fuckin face  
CA: i got high standards and i doubt he meets them  
CA: some dickwwad hacker wwho doesnt evven handle his owwn damn transactions  
CA: i aint got any interest in losers  
TA: 2ay2 the guy wiith a 2peciial “project” he need2 the mage’2 help wiith.  
TA: look the mage ii2n’t goiing two pander two your gro22 fetii2he2 but maybe ii can tell hiim that 2ome dumba22 came lookiing for hiim and brought cheeto2.  
TA: iif you diid actually turn out to be 2ome 2weaty old guy lookiing for a good tiime then he’2 goiing to have 2o much fun wreckiing your 2hiit.  
CA: so you knoww wwhat he looks like  
CA: youvve seen him before right  
CA: is he evven attractivve  
CA: probably not  
CA: nerd types nevver are  
CA: and i aint old you fuckwwit  
TA: diig your hole a liitle deeper why don’t you.  
TA: yeah iive 2een hii2 face he’2 fuckiing hot but ii’m not hii2 type.  
TA: 2o yeah 2iit tiight ii’m gonna grab hiim for you.  
TA: don’t expect anythiing for a whiile though he’2 one bu2y liitle bee and he’2 got better thiing2 two do than talk two you.  
CA: wwhat seriously  
CA: i mean yeah wwhatevver ill be here  
CA: wwaiting for this asshole to givve me the fuckin time a day  
TA: yeah yeah well you need hiim more than he need2 you.  
TA: be grateful ii’m even giiviing you the chance two talk two hiim.  
TA: iit’2 not ea2y beiing guard dog and 2ecretary and baby2itter.  
CA: ok wwhatevver just shut up and put him on  
CA: im gettin real tired of your shit  
TA: alriight bye ii hope ii never have two talk two you agaiin.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--  


He’d lied, obviously- Douchey Asshole seemed hilarious. Of course he’d be talking to him again. And though it was a legitimate concern at this point that he might actually be some sort of internet sex offender, Sollux wasn’t planning on giving him any material to work with. Everything was going great.

But before he ever spoke to him as The Mage, he still had to check him out, in case he was a rival hacker who had it out for him. It was easy enough to trace his browsing history from the couple of posts he’d made on the hacking forum.

A hotmail account with a weak password, easily hacked. He checked this one first; it was completely clean. There were a few personal emails from family, which he skipped over, a spam letter from a guy who was supposedly a prince of some random country, and then... nothing. Douchey Asshole kept his inbox obnoxiously tidy.

A few Google searches for innocuous things like seahorses and marine protection. He seemed to be into environmentalism; Sollux could get behind that. Bees were cute and useful. Plus points for the asshole.

But aside from that, there wasn’t really anything on him- no other email account, no other searches, not even any creepy porn websites. This guy was literally the dullest little shit on the planet. He didn’t even have a stupid fucking Facebook or any other social media- oh.

He did have a tumblr, though.

Sollux grinned. “Hell yes.”

He bet Douchey Asshole was a social justice blogger. Not the good ones, one of the awful ones that offended the entire internet by pretending not to be offensive. Or maybe he was a fanboy- maybe he kept his browsing history and emails clean because everything he needed was on his dashboard. Shit, he probably made indie music.

“No,” Sollux breathed, exhaling sharply. “He’s a fucking [hipster blog.](http://infiniteoceania.tumblr.com)”

He felt eye twitch as he scrolled through the various photos. The guy must really like the sea, because he reblogged what seemed to be everything on the water tag- seahorses, jellyfish, boats, oceans... No tags, no comments, nothing he had to say at all. There were the typical photoshopped waves and ships, and quotes in stupid fonts, but then he came across [one which was obviously done by Douchey Asshole himself.](http://infiniteoceania.tumblr.com/image/31062217983)

“Jesus Christ almighty. You have got to be fucking kidding me. What kind of monstrous dickbag could even come up with this piece of shit?” Said piece of shit was, in fact, a simple picture of a sunset over a sea, but it had been edited to include and in that moment i swwear wwe wwere infinite in italicised purple text.

He closed the window and leaned back in his seat, enumerating what he knew about the guy so far. He was a pretentious, desperate tool who had a lot of money and an obsession with the sea that was bordering on fetishistic. Also, he was a pretentious desperate tool who happened to have bought him a bag of cheetos _just because he asked for it._

He sure as hell wasn’t going to let this guy go until he could milk him of everything he could get. He’d have to set up a time when he could talk to him as The Mage that wouldn’t be too obvious, and he’d keep pestering him as himself just to piss him off. But not yet- he wanted to make him _squirm._

He wasn’t quite sure what the fuck he was getting into anymore, but damn if it wasn’t going to be fun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long! a lot of life came up for both of us, and we hardly got to talk, let alone work on fic!! this one is short but i wanted to get something up just to prove we haven't forgotten about this.

It had been four days and still there was no contact from The Mage. Eridan was getting annoyed, and had the sneaking suspicion (for two days now) that he wasn't going to contact him at all. He was going to have to find a new way to hunt the man down just to figure out who he was, and then work from there to try and get him dead.

Nothing irritated Eridan more than doing work in order to do his work. Really, he had not signed up for the research part of this when he'd agreed to use his talents as an assassin. Turns out that killing people for a living was more than just sitting on a rooftop with a sniper rifle and shooting them in the head. You actually had to get to know them.

Sometimes it was interesting. Eridan would become intimately familiar with some of his targets before he killed them, figuring out all their little quirks and habits, what they liked to do for fun and what foods they didn't like. Those were actually the better jobs, in his opinion, because he found people fascinating and he liked to think that this job let him know people better than any other.

But hunting down a person who had so little known about him was not easy, and it wasn't what Eridan called a good time. Once he actually started getting access to the information, he could finally start enjoying this job.

He wondered what kind of person The Mage was. He obviously liked cheetos, which left Eridan with an image of an overweight, 30+ year old man living in his mother's basement with cheeto dust all over his fingers, not even bothering to wipe them off before typing on the keyboard or using the mouse.

Then again, The Mage's obvious knowledge of computers probably meant he treated them fairly well. Maybe he'd be one of the skinny nerds that ate half a bag of cheesy crisps once a week and meticulously cleaned the monitor, and held computers to a high standard, considering them better than most, if not all, human beings. Someone who would rather be locked in a room with a computer (with internet, of course) than a horny version of their favorite actor.

Eridan had been working longer hours trying to find any sort of information on this guy, working with Roxy, their resident hacker, but everything they found turned into a dead end. It was getting irritating. By now, they usually had at least a little information that could be useful. But not on this guy! Nope. According to Roxy, the guy covered his tracks "better than a thing that covers its tracks really well!"

She was not always the most eloquent speaker.

"This guy really does not want to be found!" Roxy said with an amused tone. It annoyed Eridan that she found this so funny. Apparently it was the first real challenge she'd had in awhile, and was delighted for it.

He crossed his arms, trying to keep his tone neutral and failing. "We've been at this for four days and you have found shit, are you sure you know what the hell you're doin'?" he asked.

"Look, sugartits," Roxy said, her fingers moving over the keys easily, "this guy's good, got it? As good as I am. Damn, it's too bad you're gonna kill him!" She laughed. "I'd love to talk hacking with him."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Eridan said. "I'm goin' home. I'm sick a this shit." Ten hours was about five hours too long to be in this damn basement, if you asked him.

Roxy didn't respond, appearing to be absorbed in some file she'd uncovered or whatever, so Eridan just left the office and shut the door firmly behind him. Terezi happened to be walking by at that point, and immediately sensed his bad mood.

"You're still here?" she asked. "And you still haven't found that guy. Wow. Slacker!" She cackled.

"Fuck you, 'Rez," Eridan said as he stomped down the hall. "I've been workin' my ass off for a whole lotta nothin', you know that? This dick is apparently the fuckin' hide an' seek champion a the goddamn world, even Rox can't come up with anything."

"Sounds like a tough cookie," Terezi said, nodding sagely. "I've never seen anyone in the whole history of this place work as hard as you are right now, you know. Even the Knight of Blood didn't put this much effort into a single contract."

Eridan perked up a little. The Knight had been an assassin for ISIS years ago, and Eridan looked up to him as a role model of sorts. He'd never met the guy, as he'd retired the year before Eridan started, but he had heard all kinds of stories of the man's talents and achievements. Almost no one knew why he'd quit, though sometimes Eridan had a sneaking suspicion that Terezi knew more than she let on. Something about the way she talked about him was overly familiar.

Of course he'd asked her about it before, but she had just grinned and shrugged.

"I've worked here a long time," she had said, and then changed the subject.

It was frustrating to Eridan, but he knew there were more important things than finding out the identity of the Knight of Blood, legendary assassin or not.

"Thanks for the compliment," he said. 

"Don't look so smug," Terezi replied. "You're also just as much of a dick as he was."

Eridan scowled.

"Time to get back to work, we've got another contract coming in," Terezi said, turning down a different hall with a wave.

He was almost out the door when he remembered he'd promised John and Karkat that he'd show up for dinner, since John was making his favorite. It was nearly 9 PM at this point, so he doubted that they had been waiting for him the whole night.

Maybe he would just send a text to Karkat and let him know he was sorry. Yeah. He kind of just wanted to take a shower and pass out, so he could be ready to get up early and deal with the fucking Mage all over again. 

Eridan pulled out his phone at just the right moment. It vibrated in his hand and let out a chime to let him know he'd received a text message. He thought for a moment that it would be from Karkat, angrily letting him know that he had missed dinner, but it was from a blocked number.

"Fuck," Eridan muttered as he realized who it was actually from. 

01101001 01101001 00100111 01100100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100101 01100101 01110100 01101111 00110010 00100000 00110010 01101111 01101111 01101110 00101110

He turned the phone off angrily and shoved it into his pocket with a scowl. "I've got to get a new phone."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa! This one took a long time to get out. Bish/Aequoria got really busy with school and finals and we had no time to write!! :(
> 
> The next chapter should not have such a delay, though!! :)
> 
> EDIT: okay, i don't know why the formatting fucked up, it was fine in the preview!!!! it should be fixed now.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

TA: hey noob.  
TA: long tiime no talk eh?  
CA: no fuckin kidding wwhere the fuck havve you been  
CA: an also fuck you i aint a noob  
CA: i ate all your stupid cheetos btww  
CA: they wwere fuckin delicious i savvored evvery last cheesy powwder crumb  
CA: i evven licked the goddamn bag  
CA: just so you couldnt havve a single speck a cheeto dust  
TA: you WHAT.  
CA: EVVERY  
CA: LAST  
CA: CHEESY  
CA: CHEETO  
CA: POWWDER  
CA: DUST  
CA: CRUMB  
TA: you heartle22 fucker  
TA: who the fuck raii2ed you two be thii2 way?  
TA: i hate you 2o goddamn much why the fuck would you do that ii thought we had a deal you liittle 2hiit.  
CA: wwe did and you took for fuckin evver to get back to me  
CA: so i ate em because aint no wway im gonna stand for that shit  
CA: you earn my respect before you get any goddamn cheetos  
CA: anywway wwhat do you havve for me can i talk to the mage yet  
TA: well ii would have let you talk two hiim today but ii gue22 that ii2n’t goiing two happen now ii2 iit?  
CA: oh come the fuck on i can buy another bag a cheetos for the asshole  
TA: ii tru2ted you.  
CA: the fuck you did  
CA: you aint the type to trust nobody just let me talk to him  
TA: ii really diid.  
TA: look ii’m hurt.  
TA: 2niiffle 2niiffle.  
CA: ok look  
CA: i really gotta get this shit done you see  
CA: i got people relyin on me  
CA: an im relyin on you  
CA: an the mage i guess  
CA: wwe aint gotta trust each other  
CA: wwe just gotta wwork together for like fivve fuckin minutes  
TA: ii found your blog.  
TA: ju2t thought you 2hould know.  
CA: oh my god  
CA: wwho fuckin cares  
CA: its public i aint exactly hidin it  
TA: an iin that moment  
TA: ii swear  
TA: we were  
TA: ...  
TA: ...  
TA: ......  
CA: fuckin hell  
CA: infinite ok its a good book shut your fuckin hole about it  
TA: .............  
TA: iinfiiniite.  
TA:   
CA: you disgust me  
CA: gettin into peoples privvate shit  
CA: an then teasin em for nothin  
CA: JUST LET ME SPEAK TO THE FUCKIN MAGE  
TA: whoa liittle guy got claw2.  
TA: okay okay hold your fuckiing 2eahor2e2 let me get hiim.  
CA: oh my god finally also just one more fuck you for the road

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

Sollux blinked at the screen and grinned. He hadn’t had this much fun in ages- this stupid caligulasAquarium guy was just far too easy to rile up. But he didn’t want to push him _too_ far after all. It wasn’t any good if all he ever got was someone screaming at him, unless they were a certain gray-text individual he wouldn’t name.

Now, to speak to him as The Mage... It had been a while since he’d privately spoken to anyone under that name. Normally he stayed quite detached from all the people in the forums he frequented, so he was rather nervous that he’d somehow fuck up and lose all the respect he’d worked so hard to gain.

But no, what were the chances he’d fuck up in front of some wannabe waving money at his face just for a chance at a conversation? 

He grinned and logged onto a separate account.

\-- The Mage of Doom [The Mage] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

The Mage: s0.  
The Mage: are y0u the 0ne wh0’s been harrassing TA?   
CA: harrassin my ass hes the one givvin me all the shit  
CA: you the mage  
CA: fuckin finally man ivve been waitin to talk to you for days  
CA: get a new secretary or something the one you gots useless   
The Mage: careful there he’s n0t my secretary.  
The Mage: he’s my br0ther.   
CA: explains wwhy you both use that fuckin ugly piss colored font   
The Mage: w0w he was right ab0ut y0u being rude.  
The Mage: he als0 says y0u’re a “slimy internet ped0phile” and i’m kinda leaning t0wards believing him n0w.  
The Mage: i’m 0utta here.  
The Mage: these are danger0us waters, y0.   
CA: ok shit im sorry  
CA: its just my natural state a bein  
CA: not bein a pedophile thats fuckin slander  
CA: bein rude  
CA: you gotta be a little rude to get shit done around here you knoww what im sayin   
The Mage: rude t0 my little br0ther yeah sure that’s t0tally g0ing t0 make me d0 things f0r y0u.  
The Mage: play nice 0r else.   
CA: fuck fine ill play nice  
CA: im capable a that if it means gettin shit done  
CA: i got a job for you but its real sensitivve  
CA: i dunno if i can trust these shoddy internet connections  
CA: or if i can trust you to not savve wwhat im tellin you   
The Mage: that’s kinda presumptu0us 0f y0u isn’t it?  
The Mage: t0 be accusing me 0f things when y0u’re the 0ne desperate f0r a chance t0 talk.  
The Mage: f0r all i kn0w all y0u want is juicy pictures f0r y0ur depraved nighttime fantasies.  
The Mage: s0rry dude n0 0ne’s getting this d.   
CA: i want nothing to do wwith your d  
CA: i aint accusin you a nothing  
CA: im just takin some precautionary measures  
CA: ivve been betrayed before i aint riskin it again   
The Mage: b00h00 heartbr0ken s0b st0ry yep y0u’re definitely trustw0rthy i can tell.   
CA: it aint a sob story it was pure business  
CA: dont mean i wwant it to happen again  
CA: look i can givve you some details if it can build some trust   
The Mage: tell me.  
The Mage: but just s0 y0u kn0w, TA is g0ing t0 be seeing all 0f this t00.  
The Mage: we’re kind 0f a package deal.   
CA: fuck fine wwhatevver  
CA: i aint gonna givve you much cause i dont wwant too much a it gettin out  
CA: theres this guy an hes bad fuckin newws  
CA: politician  
CA: but he aint a good guy  
CA: i knoww surprise surprise  
CA: hes wworse than that though  
CA: i got some proof hes wworkin for some bad guys  
CA: but it aint enough to throww him awway for life  
CA: i need more  
CA: an thats all im tellin you for noww   
The Mage: like what kind 0f bad are we talking ab0ut here.  
The Mage: me and TA we deal with bad every day we’re n0t g0ing t0 deal with y0u if it’s just s0me petty v0te-rigging because that’s bullshit we can handle 0urselves.   
CA: it aint petty vvote riggin  
CA: this guys a real rapey pedo type  
CA: you wwant guys like that in office  
CA: ok shit look i said i wwasnt sayin no more  
CA: thats all you get   
The Mage: fuck.

Sollux leaned back in his chair, exhaling sharply. Whatever he’d been expecting from the douchebag, it hadn’t been this.

He was used to dealing with bad guys. Lying, cheating scum that clawed their way up to the top of the social ladder, feeding off the labor of the poor and rolling in dough. Corporate big bosses. The arrogant rich. It was easy enough to deal with those people, because he was pretty sure they didn’t have half the talent or connections in the world to actually reach him. But a guy like this, who was apparently immersed in the criminal underworld... Shit, this wasn’t safe at all.

But this- he didn’t know if he could let this slide without at least trying. Dangerous as this was for him, he really didn’t want to find out what would happen if this guy got any more power and connections than he already had. 

Although... Sollux put his head in his hands. There were too many things that could go wrong whether or not he chose to accept this. Was this CA guy even for real? How could he know he wasn’t being conned into doing something that would end up in disaster?

The Mage: 0kay h0w d0 i kn0w y0u’re telling me the truth.  
The Mage: this is all kinds 0f illegal and i ain’t bustin’ my ass f0r s0me rand0m guy’s hunch.  
The Mage: this is a l0t m0re seri0us than i th0ught.   
CA: i got some proof ok  
CA: but i aint givvin it up ovver the internet  
CA: dont wwant it endin up in the wwrong hands  
CA: if you wwanna set up some kinda drop off deal thats cool  
CA: i just wwanna make sure youre the one gettin the info   
The Mage: a dr0p 0ff w0n’t be secure en0ugh if what y0u’re saying is the truth.  
The Mage: t00 many things c0uld g0 wr0ng with that.  
The Mage: can’t y0u just send it 0ver the internet i swear my security is tight as balls.   
CA: yeah that aint gonna happen  
CA: i dont trust a drop off neither  
CA: i can arrange for a safe meetin though  
CA: evven if i wwas gonna givve you the info online i couldnt right noww  
CA: it aint evven on my computer  
CA: cant trust anything or anyone   
The Mage: ugh s0 i’m g0nna have t0 see y0ur stupid d0uche face in pers0n.   
CA: my face aint stupid   
The Mage: what a thrilling resp0nse.  
The Mage: whatever.  
The Mage: y0u see the pr0blem is that the situati0n seems t0 require me t0 step 0ut 0f my h0use.  
The Mage: i d0n’t want t0 c0mpr0mise my 0wn safety here y0u kn0w.   
CA: you dont evven leavve your house  
CA: wwhat the fuck  
CA: wwhat do you think is gonna happen if you step outta your house  
CA: oh wwait i get it  
CA: youre one a them pasty wwhite nerds wwho get burned just thinkin bout the sun  
CA: so wwait does that mean you aint evver been to the beach   
The Mage: what is the beach?   
CA: are you fuckin kiddin me right now  
CA: this cannot be happenin  
CA: you fuckin knoww wwhat a beach is you ass  
CA: i dont trust no one wwho dont knoww wwhat a goddamn BEACH is   
The Mage: i’m allergic t0 the sun y0u insensitive prick.  
The Mage: way t0 be an abs0lute assh0le.    
CA: yeah ok i wwasnt born yesterday asswwipe  
CA: you cant be allergic to the sun  
CA: thats like bein allergic to wwater  
CA: it just dont happen   
The Mage: uh 0kay i’m g0nna st0p with that joke since it’s 0bvi0us y0u WERE b0rn yesterday because there is such a thing as allergy t0 the sun dumbass.  
The Mage: i might n0t be allergic but it t0tally exists.  
The Mage: als0 water allergies l00k them up y0u’ve g0t g00gle f0r a reas0n.   
CA: wwoww i do not havve time to be lookin this shit up  
CA: wwe gotta be wworkin on a wway to get  
CA: holy shit  
CA: these poor bastards  
CA: wait howw do they do  
CA: anything at all  
CA: like how do they evven  
CA: be ALIVVE  
CA: aint humans made up a like eighty percent wwater  
CA: howw can you be allergic to yourself   
The Mage: yeah i have n0 idea h0w can Y0U be allergic t0 stupid?   
CA: if i wwas allergic to stupid i wwouldnt be talkin to you asshole  
CA: wwouldnt wwanna trigger my allergy  
CA: im real sensitive to idiots  
CA: id be breakin out in hivves so bad id start oozin honey  
CA: cause bees wwould be usin me as a hivve  
CA: an bees make honey   
The Mage: then y0u might actually bec0me t0lerable f0r 0nce because bees are the shit and h0ney is the nectar 0f the g0ds.   
CA: hey you knoww i think wwe got off on the wwrong foot here  
CA: i dont wwanna piss off the guy wwho can help me take this asshole out  
CA: im just naturally  
CA: antagonistic   
The Mage: what.  
The Mage: 0kay yeah we kind 0f g0t sidetracked a little but wh0 are y0u and what have y0u d0ne with the d0uchebag because y0u never cared ab0ut being a little shit bef0re.  
The Mage: i’m n0t buying this.   
CA: like i said i dont wwanna piss you off cause you can help me  
CA: an if you decide this aint wworth the trouble then i gotta find someone else an that aint my idea of a good time  
CA: dont mean wwe gotta be best friends  
CA: i just knoww howw to handle a wworkin relationship   
The Mage: whatever let’s just decide what we’re g0ing t0 d0 here.  
The Mage: meeting in pers0n is unav0idable isn’t it?  
The Mage: you pick the place.   
CA: you knoww the italian place ovver on lamar  
CA: wwe can meet there  
CA: ill be in there eatin dinner an you come up an say  
CA: thats a nice scarf wwhered you get it  
CA: an ill respond no wwhere you could afford to shop  
CA: then we laugh like wwere good buddies an you sit an have a coffee wwith me  
CA: an ill hand ovver the envvelope  
CA: an then you can leavve   
The Mage: and why the fuck d0es the c0de have t0 inv0lve y0u insulting me?  
The Mage: 0therwise, this is a surprisingly g00d plan.  
The Mage: nice public place.   
CA: i gotta provve i aint that nice a guy dont i  
CA: since youre gettin all baffled by my attempt to havve a civvil wworkin relationship  
CA: tomorroww at six thirty  
CA: if youre late im gonna assume something happened to you   
The Mage: hang 0n h0w the fuck am i supp0sed t0 c0me up t0 y0u?  
The Mage: y0u g0tta give me s0me means 0f identificati0n y0u n00b.   
CA: obvviously  
CA: im gonna be wwearin a scarf  
CA: its cobalt and cornflower   
The Mage: 0h my g0d.  
The Mage: i d0n’t even kn0w if i’m ashamed 0r pr0ud t0 admit i’m g00gling them right n0w.  
The Mage: 0h my g0d they’re b0th fucking blue y0u pretenti0us dickbag y0u c0uld have just SAID.  
The Mage: anything else i can identify y0u with? and give me n0rmal c0l0rs t0 w0rk with this time.   
CA: ugh fine you uncultured swwine  
CA: ill havve a book on the table too  
CA: the god delusion  
CA: look for that an ill be right next to it  
CA: any more questions or can i go be out in the sun noww   
The Mage: alright fine y0u can g0.  
The Mage: try n0t t0 hurt y0urself thinking ab0ut 0verly c0mplicated things like h0w t0 tie y0ur sh0es.   
CA: yeah fuck you too

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] has ceased pestering The Mage of Doom [The Mage] \--

Sollux leaned back in his chair and let out a sigh. He hoped this CA person was dumb enough to not realise how much like TA he sounded; he’d almost let himself go there, having too much fun pissing him off that he’d almost forgotten he was keeping up a farce. 

But regardless of whether CA realised or not, he was still a pretty shady character- probably even more so now that he was supposedly going to pass on some sensitive information in person. Sollux knew he had to take extra precautions around this guy.

He picked up the phone and dialled a familiar number. He had a favor he needed to ask.


End file.
